I Don’t Want To Be Beautiful
Dear readers,
I’ve been watching, listening, observing and reflecting. And I’ve decided that I do not want to be beautiful, and that I’m not going to try. Indeed, I’ll still wear makeup, dress nicely and take good care of myself, but I’ll no longer strive for beauty—the debt society imposed on me to pay (on all women for that matter). I do not owe society beauty. I do not owe society my body or self-expression. I must feel beautiful to myself—which is something different entirely. Beauty is freedom and owning myself. Beauty is exploring who I am and being generous to those around me. Beauty is not being ashamed of the form given me by the Universe, and honoring this gift called life. Beauty is joy and calm in my soul—connection from the heart. I want to feel beauty—not be it. My spirit set free—yes that, is beauty to me.
To that end, I’ve been exploring what being a woman means to me, particularly through dance. I’m only in the trial phase and finding video tutorials for belly dancing and Ori Tahiti Polynesian dance, but already I’m finding my freedom. The love and appreciation for my body that was abused and the innocence stolen from me as a child; I’m relearning that my body is to be valued, that it is not sinful—I’m learning that having a fuller chest and wider hips is my possession, not to be defiled by misogyny and tainted by the male-gaze that haunted my steps and made me feel unsafe. I’m releasing visions of vulnerability and embracing my inner strength. I hope likewise for each of you.
Olivia M.