Journal Entry: I Consider Myself Taken.
Readers—
I consider myself taken.
I’ve written before that one woman inspired all that I write (and far as I know, she’s is not a subscriber), outside of my literary pieces centered around advocacy. My writings have described her features before (ie., fawn brown skin, dark auburn-brown hair with silver, flecked cheeks), or if not, there’s some illusion to a version of her name (once I alluded to it in prose) or perhaps symbolism (ie., a red rose, brown wren). I do not fall in love easily, and I am the type that’s content to stay single if it comes to it. I am not desperate.
I’ve turned women down, yes. Some immediately faded away learning that I am asexual just as well as a lesbian because there’s an “experience” they were hoping for from this “exotic” woman. Some wanted a commitment right away after messaging me within hours. Others assumed I was a femme looking for a butch. And on, and so forth…They get discouraged when they learn that I’m simply not attracted to women who are not older (I think women get more beautiful as they age) and who are not Black. Older Black women are just so lovely to me, and I easily connect with them; they have a deeper and more expansive understanding of what love is, and it’s very affirming for this “ace”! They understand me, my struggles, my history, my social intersections—my radical Black feminism. They hear me. And all of the latter is reciprocal; I hear, understand and connect with them, too. I am free with them to be completely me. And I love that they are comfortable with who they are, and are unlikely to change or chase trends.
Yes, the inspiration for a lot of my writings is an older Black woman, and I write in hopes that one day, I can say what I intend with at least a little courage rather than to be elusive. That is where my heart lies and I have learned to trust it. Maybe one day I will write an exultant post declaring that I successfully overcame my nerves and reached out to her. Until then, I write here. And some of you join me on the journey for your own self-discovery, knowing full well (at least by now) that my heart is elsewhere, and seeking where your own heart lies—looking for your own soul connection.
Olivia McLean